"It will be a very difficult pregnancy." The doctor finally broke the silence. "You see this?"
She pointed at something on the screen, but Charlie wasn't looking anymore.
She was crying.
"I was hoping that after a few weeks I'd see some changes, but there's just too much scar tissue. You should be fine for for now, but once the foetus is at approximately twenty two weeks, your uterus will most likely not be able to handle its size."
She still had the device that was covered in gel on Charlie's stomach.
"I'm really sorry." She held Charlie's hand and tried really hard to comfort her. "This pregnancy will put both you and the baby at risk. I recommend termination before it becomes dangerous."
Charlotte covered her stomach even though it was still covered in gel, turned on her side and for the first time ever, I heard a heart breaking sob coming out of her mouth. It was uncontrolled and without any restraint and her body shook in my arms while she cried like I've never heard her cry before.
I made her sit up on the long chair and she immediately cried into my neck while the doctor sat and watched us.
We won't be able to keep our baby.
"We'll be okay." I tried to console her. "I promise we'll get through this. We'll be okay. I promise, Charlie."
She tried speaking, but goodness she couldn't. All she could do was cry while I held her.
"There has to be another way." I tried speaking to the doctor while I held her. "There's always a second opinion. There's always another way. Tell us what we can do to keep our baby."
She looked at Charlie who was still crying in my arms and then looked back at the screen with our baby on it.
"There's a procedure we can do." She said with too much concern in her voice. "However, the chances of it working are very slim. In fact, we could make things worse."
"I want it." I heard Charlie trying to speak. "Whatever it is. I want it."
"It's very dangerous. If-"
"I want it!" She said louder.
She pulled her head out of the crook of my neck and didn't even bother trying to wipe her tears away. "Please." She started begging. "Even if there's a slight chance that I'll be able to keep my baby, I want it. Please."
"Okay." The doctor said softly and handed her a box of tissues.
She started explaining the procedure while we listened intently. She used a lot of medical terms, but the gist of it was that they would operate on Charlie and try to stabilise her uterus so that she can carry the baby. If it works, we'll be able to have our baby. However, if it doesn't, there's a very high chance that Charlie and the baby will both die on the table.
I could lose her.
"We're not doing it." I said while she explained how the love of my life would die.
Charlie was already talking about scheduling the procedure as if the woman didn't just say there's only a thirty percent chance that she and the baby will survive the surgery.
"Forest." She held onto my arm. "We have to. This is the only way-"
"No." I looked into those beautiful hazel brown eyes. "Look at me, I don't want to lose our baby. I've always wanted a family with you, but I'm not going to risk your life. I have you and you have me. That's already enough to be grateful for."
I wanted to go on and tell her that we can adopt or even go with surrogacy if she really wants a baby, but she was already shaking her head and pushing me away.
"This baby is already here!" She started crying again. "I want this baby, Forest. I've never wanted anything in my life as much as I want this baby. I can't ... please don't ask me to give up my baby ... our baby. Please."
I looked at the doctor for some help on this.
She has to tell her that she shouldn't go through with this. I also want a baby, but not if it's going to cost her her life.
"Charlotte", I rested my forehead against hers, "I can't. I'm not losing you. Please. Please don't ask me to be on board with this, knowing that it could kill you. I want a life with you. I want to grow old with you. Please. I can't lose you."
She hid her head in the nook of my neck again. "You won't." She tried really hard not to cry again. "I'm a fighter. Let me fight for our baby. Please, Forest. We need to fight for our baby."
I pulled her further into my chest. She was crying again, sobbing without restraint.
"How much time do we have?" I asked the doctor.
"No more than two months. After that, we can't operate."
"I can't lose you." I begged her again. "We need more time to decide and consider all our options."
"No." She whispered. "The longer we take, the more our baby will be at risk. I can do this. I can protect our baby. That's what I'm supposed to do so please, don't let me do it without you."
I looked at the doctor and then back at her pleading eyes.
A life with her is more than enough for me. I've always wanted to have a big family, but I can live without that as long as I have her with me. Five years without her felt like torture and now she wants me to agree to an operation that might end up costing her her life.
A life with just the two of us is enough. She is enough.
"Okay." I kissed her hard on the lips. "We'll do this together."
She smiled and hugged me, but goodness, I've never felt this f*****g terrible about any decision I've ever made.
I might lose her in less than two months.
***
"I should get back to work. I need to keep busy or else I'll keep thinking about this over and over again. Do you mind if Joshua drops me off?"
I stared at her in disbelief.
We were in the car, Joshua was driving, the partition was up and she was tucked away safely in my arms.
I just want to hold her today. I want to spend the day with her and hold her because I might f*****g lose her. I just got her back and now I might lose her and she wants to go back to work ...
I need to convince her not to go through with this. I just can't lose her.
"You're not going to work."
"Forest." She started wiggling in my arms. "I need to work. It's the only way that I'll be able to wrap my head around this."
"No." I refused again. "You just forced me to agree to a procedure that might kill you, Charlotte. I told you I can't lose you, but you're forcing me to hold your hand while you risk your life. So no. You're not going to work today and you won't be working from home either. We took the afternoon off because we both knew ..."
"We both knew I might not be fit enough to be a mom." She said softly.
"That's not what I was going to say."
"But you were thinking it, right?" She tried pushing me away. "You're thinking that the universe realised someone who never had a loving mom would be a terrible parent, so it made the choice for me. It decided I shouldn't be able to be a mom so I won't screw up our baby the way my parents screwed me up."
She covered her eyes with her hand, but I could hear her sobs again. She was crying and she immediately tried hiding in my arms again.
"I was thinking that it's unfair that after everything you've been through, you have to go through this as well." I tried to make her look at me while she cried, but she refused. "I was thinking what a wonderful kid you and I would make. I was thinking about how you'd let our kids get away with anything because you have such a soft heart, Charlie. I was thinking about how any kid would be more than lucky to have you as a mom."
I put her in my lap and cradled her while she cried.
Charlotte doesn't cry, but goodness, nowadays she's crying so much and there's not much I can do to stop it.
"Tell me who gave you those scars." I begged her again. "Tell me so I can kill them for hurting you like this."
I watched her face contort angrily while she tried to force the words out of her mouth. "I can't!" She practically screamed it out. "I just can't, Forest because it's so, so terrible. It's so heart wrenching that saying it means I have to relive it over and over again and I just can't. I can't be that broken again. I can't. Please don't make me say it. Please, Forest. I can't!"
"Okay." I held on tighter while she cried. "I won't force you to say it. It's okay. It's okay."
"It's in the past." She tried to take a few big breaths while she cried. "The Charlotte who got these scars is dead. She was weak and stupid and I'm not that girl anymore. I'm strong now; strong enough to protect our baby. Okay?"
"Okay." I sighed into her hair. "Okay."
***
I was right to refuse for her to go back to work.
The second we got home, she ran upstairs while trying not to cry too loud.
"What the hell happened?" Christian asked after she ran past him.
I ignored him and ran right behind her.
I found her lying in bed, hugging a pillow and trying her best not to cry.
I crawled in right next to her and she wrapped herself around my body ...
And cried ...
Aksara